Becoming

A journal entry from June 12, 2005 - all things shall be in time.........


I don't know how it was that who I really am washed over me, but it was as I was brushing my teeth on what would seem to be an ordinary Sunday morning in my life. Discord with my spouse, constant aruging with the kids about getting dressed, cleaning rooms, breakfast and me yearning to run off into the refuge of my bathroom for five minutes of peace and quiet and aloneness. AND.....that's when it happened, subtally, all my life experiences, mistakes, dreams, strengths and weaknessess washing over me in a 'moment...all the WORK, all the anticipation, preperation voula, there you have it...this is me, while I brush my teeth. After breathing through the 'moment' what came after was the 'need' to write. A huge insight into to who I am and what I need to do in order to grow, heal and look forward into the future. I felt in that 'moment that I  was looking forward to a whole new way of living life, I also knew, that 'letting go' would not be easy.  I likened it to taking candy from a baby, removing the security blanket, like my 31/2 year old (at the time) who dependance and security of always being prepared and ready in her pull up was being removed and she was having to put herself out there to an unexpected experience, maybe discomfort, as well as maybe embarrassment, but most importantly and ultimately to the achievement of  leaving perceived security to go it on her own. Wow, potty trained, all by herself. I felt a little like her in that 'moment, a feeling of having to let go of my own security, having had pulled out from underneath myself all that I thought I perceived and knew to be 'true'?, a feeling of needing to let go of what I thought I had known to take on a direction of discomfort,  as well as achievement? Can we really truly become who we are if we stay within the 'confines' of what our minds condition us to believe, if we do not take off the training pants and go it on our own? fear, apprehension and all. In that 'moment' I decided to take mine off, already I felt free'r, more comfortable and ready to move into a whole new development stage...like my daughter who realized once she reached her goal  I became a little more confident and secure of my 'self'.  Every stage of life is a stage of becoming... becoming more aware, more competent and more able... how similar to our childhood stages of growth are our spiritual stages of  growth...feeling a little like a child again as I stand and brush my teeth I am aware that  once again  I will be taking things one step at a time, like I did when I was a child and learned to ride my bike..I will 'cry' the tears should I fall and feel the fear of getting back on...but then as I did, once a long time ago I will 'let it go' get back on and  soar through the wind, allowing myself to be overcome by the intertwined flow of the abilities it takes to ride, feet moving in proper timing, eyes focused on where your going and spirit flowing in the rhythm of the movement...jumping back on my bike each time to face the challenge ahead while basking more in the rhythm of the ride as everything is in flow, the body, mind and spirit know where they must go, the hard part is learning to let go... and enjoy the ride.

Namaste