'I am Breath'
During a recent personal practice I came to the 'deep' realization that I am no longer deeply immersed in my own deep, full, natural, rhythmic breath which I worked so hard to 'BE' present in...breathing has once again become a little difficult due to living in and through a long period of ongoing, chronic stress and tension which have made it difficult to completely relax, release and let 'all' go (so easily) and relax not only into the moment but as well my own breath.
The last year has been the most 'painful and stressfull' of 'my life' and only recently I re-gave up a 'breath taking' old habit that I had beaten & conquered for over 10 years, but once again found myself indulging in...smoking.
I realize now as my Mom was losing her breath, her life...I too was 'un-consciously&consciously' losing it with her. In the last months of her life I tried so to HELP her get her breath back 'begging' her to breathe, deep, full breaths, in and out through her 'nose'...she would breathe the breath in but the breath would always come rushing, labourously back out her mouth...that is when it started to settle into my 'Body, Mind & Spirit.'
My mother smoked her entire adult life (until the day she forgot she smoked...) dealing with the ongoing chronich stress, tension, anxiety and dis-ease of Alzheimers with which she had been struggling for many years and of which the last 2 had been 'deeply' distressing for her and my entire family...slowly it was 'taking' her life away from her and us...literally her 'breath', 'prana' & 'life'force were slipping away from us all.
We spent our last times together holding hands, hugging, walking, smiling and I trying to get her to breathe in and out as much as I could as I was not ready to 'let go' of her...I tried to encourage her to breathe and move, trying chair and bed yoga, to no avail...as I have learned through yoga...I had to 'let it go' and 'BE' with her in the 'moment'...it 'all' was what it was and there was no way for me to force or change the situation.
One of my last days with my Mom, I tried again to do some yoga with her, she slowly mimicked me...
as she lifted one arm above her head, 'smiling' at me she told me that her and my Dad had done some yoga on the weekend (this a women diagnosed as 'clinically' un-cognitive)... in moments... 'yes'... she may not have been able to tell you the time or find her way back to her own room or remember many things from the past...but, I know as she looked at me through those eyes that she was there, she 'REMEMBERED'
me and although I am not sure whether it was true that she had practiced yoga or not...I am sure that she told me she did because she was proud that I was doing it and she really wanted me to know that....we both smiled at eachother and began to take our walk together as we always did...unfortunately, this day she was highly anxious and restless ...as she had increasingly become in many 'moments' over the last several months and on this particular day just prior to Christmas nothing I 'tried' to do 'with' or 'for' her was of comfort to her
(not even decorating the tiny tree with her favourite angels which I had brought to decorate with her).
I left that day as I had many times before in the months leading up to her passing...giving my Mom as many hugs and kisses as I could, telling her I loved her & would see her soon and waiting till I had turned and walked away before allowing the tears to stream down my face...just far enough away till I could 'let go' and nobody would know. When I was able to turn back she was waving and blowing kisses, as I drove away and as I waved back hiding beneath my sunglasses, the tears remained to fall.
Looking back now, I understand that at Christmas time (my Mom's favourite of the year) she knew that 'something' was about to change.
I realize I lost a little of my own breath, not when I was told my Mom had passed, but long before that...I see now that as she was slipping away from me in my life...I was losing a bit of my own breath each day...the breath I had worked years to find, my own inner source of peace, calm...my own rhythmic breath so vital to living a whole, happy & healthy life...in my pain & suffering and inability to release and let my Mom go, because I 'loved' her so... and she was such a big part of who and what I am today and have always been... I realize how much she was truly a part of my balance, my strength... and without her I was sure I would not know who I would 'BE'.
Miss Me, But Let Me Go
When I come to the end of the road
When the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free
Miss me a little, but not too long
Remember the love we once shared
Miss me, but let me go
For this is a journey we all must take,
And each must go alone
It's all part of the masters plan
A step on the road home
when you are lonely and sick at heart
Go to the friends we know
And busy your sorrow in doing good deeds
Miss me, but let me go
I have lived through other experiences of stress, strain, pain through my journey along with many wonderful, peaceful, joyfull ' moments in my life...but none took my breath away as much as the 'letting go' of my Mom.
As I have recently quit smoking, instead of holding onto it as a source of 'failure'...through yoga I understand that for whatever reasons, perceived stress reduction, anger, fear, angst...although it was unhealthy for me... it somehow was where I was at and got me through the 'moment'...that along with the understanding that yoga has taught me MUCH about breath, life and the fullness there of of both...I am doing what I did 10 years ago when yoga first came into my life...I am 'softening' back into my 'self', looking 'forward' to the journey ahead and refinding my 'own' breath...'living' my life in this 'moment' and letting it 'all' go...
'I am Breath'
I am and always will 'BE' my Mother's Daughter.
You breathed me into life
You love me beyond death
You watch over me from afar
'Forever' my 'shining star' lab
44 - 43 = me (HA) ♥ NAMASTE
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